Competing with a Deceased Partner

With people living longer these days, chances are that members of the older population will find themselves dating widows or widowers at some point. This can be either a lovely and happy coupling or it can be a very sticky situation. It totally depends on whether or not the living partner has made peace with the passing of their partner and is ready to move on in life. Unfortunately, that’s not usually something you’ll find out until you actually go out with this person.  Even worse, it may not even become evident until you’ve enjoyed several dates that you’re competing with a deceased partner.

Basically, there’s usually not a way to successfully compete with a partner that has passed on. One of the main reasons for this is that once a loved one has died, he or she becomes a saint in the eyes of the partner that was left behind. Friends and family members are often stunned at the transformation of a deceased partner. This person could have been the meanest tempered, most abusive individual that ever walked the earth, but once they’re gone, their surviving partner remembers them as sweet tempered people that never did any wrong in their lives. If you’re dating someone that has selective memory, you’re in trouble right out of the gate. Nothing you do is ever going to measure up to the deceased saint.

Now, if you’re about to start dating a widow or widower, there are some clues that will help you early on before you waste too much time with this person.  The time that has passed since the partner died will mean a lot in whether the surviving partner is ready to start dating. For some people, six months is plenty of mourning time. For others, ten years may not be enough. So be sure to find out in some discreet way how long the deceased has been gone.

Something else that can be very telling is the interior of the widow or widower’s home.  If you walk in and find a very prominently placed shrine to the deceased partner, you’ll probably want to keep your contact to just the one date.  When there are still tons of pictures sitting around of the good old days, there’s a good chance that the living partner is still dwelling in the past.

If every other sentence from your date begins with “When my Harold was alive” or “Anna always did this or that,” you should probably be prepared for this to be a short term friendship.  This is not the attitude of someone who is ready to move forward in life. You’re not being uncaring or rude if you decide not to wait around, either. You’re simply being realistic.

On the other hand, if you hook up with someone that misses their deceased partner, but speaks in the present and the future of what they would like in their life, you just may have captured a jewel. It’s definitely worth a shot as both of you could have a great chance at a happy future together.

How to Know When It’s Time to Start Dating Again

One of the questions that come up time and time again following either a divorce or the death of a spouse is how to know when it’s time to start dating again. This is a tricky situation because if you start dating too soon, you’re doomed to fail. Not only that, people will start talking about you in a not so flattering way. On the other hand, if you wait too long to take the plunge, you may find that you just have lost interest in dating. There’s a delicate balance here and you need to find it.

There are some signs that will point you in the right direction when it comes to knowing when it’s time to step out into the world of dating. The first one of these signs is that you’re no longer in love with your ex-spouse. For a widowed partner, the love may still be there but when you can stop comparing everyone you may go out with to your deceased partner, then you’re ready to get proactive about dating.

In addition, with a divorce behind you, it may be difficult to stop comparing, in a negative way, everyone that you may feel an interest in dating. In other words, when you feel that you have totally dealt with and put the past where it belongs, you’re ready to get your feet wet again, and start taking some steps to meet the right dating partners.

Trust is another thing that comes up. It may seem that divorced people have more trouble with that issue than widowed ones but that’s not exactly the case. Obviously, a divorce can bring on many doubts about starting a new relationship. So, if you’re divorced, that’s an issue you need to resolve before saying yes to that first cup of coffee or dinner date. However, if you’re widowed, you may doubt your ability to find another partner that you can trust as much as you trusted your late spouse. You got comfortable in your marriage and now you just don’t want to start all over again.

Work on your self-confidence if you don’t feel that you’re in “dating” shape. If you feel that you need to lose a little weight or tone up, start eating healthy and hit the gym a few days a week. For older women, gray hair can be hidden. In that same vein, you may consider a new haircut or style to enhance your looks. Go shopping and get some new clothes that will flatter you and make you feel good about yourself. Once you’ve invested a bit in some self-improvement methods, you may find that you’re even excited about getting out and about.

If you’re really worried about going out with people you don’t know, have a friend or relative introduce you to someone eligible. Even if that date doesn’t work out to be anything important, it will at least give you a practice run. After that, you’ll be ready to re-enter the dating game.  A great place to start testing the dating waters again if you are over 50 is All Senior Dating.  Join free today and read our tips on how to set up a great dating profile to get started.