Is Your Online Relationship Going Anywhere?

With the introduction of home computers and the Internet, dating and relationships have gone to an entirely new dimension. For example, it’s now possible for someone living in the United States to be in a relationship with someone living in Australia. The entire relationship was begun online and is maintained online. It’s not surprising that a significant percentage have never even met in person. They talk online, by Skype, instant messenger, video cameras, through email and probably on cell phones. However, they’ve never even touched each other physically.

Believe it or not, relationships such as these are quite common these days, and new ones are being formed every day. People seem quite happy being in these relationships for the most part. It gives them something to look forward to first thing in the morning and when they get home in the evening. They set up dates on the weekend and even go so far as to prepare the same meals so that they can have dinner, lunch or breakfast together by webcam.

This is all very romantic and exciting, even, but it does beg the question of just where this type of relationship is going. Does one of you plan to fly across the world in order to meet the other one? What happens if you suddenly decide you can’t live without each other? Does it even make sense to up and quit your job and trade your life in for someone that you’ve never even kissed?

These are all questions that will need to be addressed at some point in time, unless, of course, you’ve decided to just maintain this virtual relationship and never make it anything more than it is now. Believe it or not, there ARE those couples that seem to have no plans for the future. They just live in the here and now, enjoying the company of someone over their computer.

If a relationship of this kind is truly enough for you, it may be time for you to examine the reasons for not caring if you have a relationship in the truest sense of the word. Are you inherently selfish or self-centered and don’t want to have to look after someone else? Do you like the company but also the freedom that you have by not being in a true physical relationship? Do you like the romance but aren’t so fond of sex?

You really need to address these questions before making the final decision of being in a pretend relationship where you both talk about a “someday” that will never come. When you remain in a cyber-relationship such as this, you always run the risk that your online partner will decide that he wants more and wants something he can touch. Are you ready to make the move for that to happen?

You’re the only one that can decide whether or not you’re ready for a real, mature relationship. It could be that you’ll be happier having a pretend one. You should, however, be honest with your cyber partner once you decide.

Dating Pitfalls #3 – Appearing to be Something You Aren’t

There is a natural tendency for people entering a new relationship to try and make themselves appear to be something more than they believe themselves to be. The thought process behind this is fairly rational, up to a point. The attitude that many people have goes something like the following: “He/she cannot possibly be interested in me for who I am. I’m too boring – I need to appear more interesting.”. Although this is a perfectly common rationale, it misses one key point – he or she clearly is interested. Any pretence is unnecessary. If you want to be more interesting, it needs to be a decision made for you. Only then can you fully commit to it and do it properly.

The problem with artifice and pretence is that they require a lot of work in order to be convincing. Honesty really is the best policy and not only because it is morally the right thing, but also because honesty is the natural thing. Telling the truth relies only on remembering what you have done. Lying relies on remembering what you have said, without the concrete memories to back it up. Sooner or later, you forget what lies you have told and you trip yourself up.

Being honest is rewarded with trust. If you tell a lie and are caught out, you lose a bit of trust, and once that goes it almost never returns. If you are later suspected of having done something of which you are truly innocent, your previous lie will work against your partner believing you. So even if it is only because of how it may come back to haunt you, be honest and be yourself.

Dating Pitfalls #2 – Coming on too Strong

There is little doubt that a new relationship can put a spring in your step. Just knowing that someone considers you to be worth spending time with, and that they are someone you would be happy with, makes a big difference. There are also drawbacks to this feeling. It is all to easy to fall quickly and deeply for someone, and it is not uncommon for people’s work to be affected because they spend any time that they have apart from their new love thinking about them. At its worst, it can lead to paranoia about the relationship ending suddenly.

Although it is completely normal to become smitten with a new boyfriend or girlfriend, it is important to proceed with caution. The temptation may be to call them a few times a day, give them gifts whenever you see them and write to them when you are neither with them or talking to them – love can easily be that powerful. However, it is important to be conscious that appearing too keen can spook someone. They may feel that they have to live up to an impossible impression, or that you want something more than they do – or just that you are getting too involved too quickly.

If you have to make a conscious effort to find other things to do with your time, then that is what you must do. Placing undue pressure on a relationship does no good – it needs time and space to grow healthily. Though this may be difficult to keep to, you need to give yourself the best chance of making things work.

Dating Pitfalls #1: The case of the ex

When embarking on a dating relationship with someone new, it is important to be aware of the ways that things can go wrong, and to avoid these as far as possible. The unavoidable fact is that many times, a new relationship can follow on the footsteps – for you or for the person you are dating – of a relationship which ended recently. This raises the very difficult question of how to deal with the ex. The end of a relationship invariably generates strong feelings, and it is how these feelings are dealt with that can make or break a new relationship.

For the person who is coming off a broken relationship, the range of possible feelings is extremely variable. It may be that you (or the person you are dating) still have feelings for the ex, especially if it was they that broke it off. The question of whether someone in such a situation should be dating at all is a tough one. It can help in getting over the old relationship, or it can complicate the new one. Additionally, there is the question of bitterness. If a person recently out of a relationship talks in a bitter, even insulting manner about an ex, it will invariably raise the question “Will they talk about me like that if we don’t work?”.

It is important that there is honesty in any relationship. Without it, a relationship will wither and die on the vine. Confront any old feelings before going any further, and you have a chance. Letting them fester will just ruin anything good that you could have.

Dating a Friend – What To Look Out For

There are many situations where a simple friendship can become something more – having known somebody for a long time you realize how well you get on, and feel an inkling that there is something more there. It is a situation that needs to be treated with some caution, however. There is no doubt that a relationship that begins as simple friendship can go on to be absolutely fantastic. For a start, you know that you have things in common and that you can spend time together. It is easy to convince yourself that it would be even better if you took your friendship to “the next level”. It is important, however, to allow yourself to realize that it doesn’t always work out the way you would have hoped.

Numerous people have begun or tried to begin a relationship based on a close friendship and found that it did not work as they would have hoped. The “spark” between a couple is not always the same as a “spark” between two friends, although there are similarities. It is worth talking things over, honestly and maturely, and seeing if it is what you both really want. The danger when a friendship becomes a relationship, is that the relationship may end for any number of reasons and can put the friendship in jeopardy. Trying to make something great into something even better can leave you with nothing at all.

If you decide to give it a go, then it has certainly been shown that it can work wonderfully. As long as you go into it with your eyes open, it can work that way for you too.

Be Yourself – A Cliché, But A True Cliché

The undeniable truth that everyone who has ever had a bad date can tell you is that sometimes the spark just is not there, no matter how much you want it to be. A personal connection is not something that you can manufacture and if it isn’t there at all on the first date, the chances of it appearing later on are limited. Rather than blaming anyone, or trying to invent a feeling that isn’t really there, sometimes calling time and parting the ways is the most grown-up reaction. It is easy to get drawn into believing that you need to conform to a certain stereotype, and go into a date with that in mind. This strategy is doomed to fail.

One of the most frequently used pieces of advice anyone will ever hear is “be yourself”. It has been known to send individuals into a furious rage at the mere use of the first syllable. People do not like cliché, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes clichés become clichés because they are true. And you would be well advised to always try to be yourself, for one very good reason if nothing else – eventually, if you put on an act, that act will come to pieces. At that point it is a lot more difficult to regain your dignity and someone else’s trust than if you were honest to begin with.

You can’t make anyone like you if there is no connection there – but if someone is going to like you, it’s better that they like you for you.

Know When To Talk and When To Listen

The joys of dating are many and varied, and experiencing them all is a part of life that should be appreciated for the rare gift that it is. Being in the company of someone who makes you laugh, someone who looks at the world in a way that endears them to you, and someone who knows how to make you feel good is a feeling that cannot be bought. However, it is rare that this will happen naturally on the first meeting. If you are going to employ a strategy where dating is concerned, the most important thing is to make sure that you do not make yourself look either arrogant or meek. Being interesting company requires a balanced approach.

The key to this approach is knowing when to talk and when to listen – or as some would have it, when to talk and when to stop talking. You need to get the balance right. Staying silent all the time will make your date wonder what is wrong with you – or what is wrong with them. Either way it can bring a date to a disappointing end. Talk about yourself, but do not feel the need to share every detail about you. “I like to go to the movies every couple of weeks – even if there’s nothing good on it can be fun to see a stinker” is pretty good. “When I was seven I locked my sister in the garage for six hours” is not. Gauge their reaction and listen to what they have to say too. Don’t get drawn into feeling that the sole purpose of listening is to have something to do while waiting to talk again. A steady flow of conversation is a prime sign of a good date.

Don’t Give Up Hope – Keep Trying

Whatever method of dating you attempt, there is always the chance that the early days will be marked more by failure than by success. It is hard not to be disheartened by this, and there is little that anyone can say to make it feel less painful. As much as these pieces of advice sound like fraudulent cliché, the truth is that very often it’s not anything that’s wrong with you, that sometimes the timing is wrong, and that as long as you stay true to yourself there will be people who find you attractive. As tempting as it may be to wallow in self-deprecation, keeping faith has to be the strategy for you.

If a date goes wrong and you don’t hit it off, it is not because you yourself are fundamentally flawed. For two people to meet and get along brilliantly right away is incredibly rare. We all put up shields – otherwise we would be running around telling everybody what we thought of them, and we would be locked up or beaten up. It takes time. The fact is that sometimes you have to trust that your luck will pick up. If you don’t accept that you need to wait, you can end up convincing yourself that someone utterly unsuited to you is your soulmate – and creating a very problematic situation.

Accept that these things take time, and you will be much of the way towards getting it right. Don’t try to force it and don’t give up. Just show your best side at all times and it will happen for you.

Choosing an Online Dating Profile Picture

For many people, the real moment of fear in putting together an online dating profile is the selection of a photograph to accompany your self-description. Although a human being is very different from a saleable commodity, a dating profile is scarcely different from an advertisement. You want people to think you sound and look good. There is no point in putting together a profile that would make Oscar Wilde appear witless and uninspired if you use a photograph of you asleep on a beach somewhere. It may very well be funny, but you aren’t looking to get booked for a comedy club.

The best profile photographs are ones that strike a balance between being alluring and being human. Any number of online profiles are accompanied by pictures of someone who looks like a model. In most cases, this is because the person in the picture is a model. In these cases, the model is rarely the person who has put the profile together, and online regulars are wise to that. Don’t get done up to an unreasonable level before the photo is taken, either. Should you meet a potential suitor later on, you don’t want them to think “Actually, I think I preferred the photo”.

A picture which accentuates your best qualities and makes you look friendly is the best bet. Seeking to appear like a god or a goddess will create more problems than it is worth. You want someone to think “I could happily spend time with that person”, not be intimidated by your supermodel fierceness.

Creating an Online Dating Profile – The Dos and Don’ts

• Do choose a photograph where you are well-dressed. It is not necessary to get dressed up and have a photo taken professionally, but one where you are wearing a faded t-shirt and a hat shaped like a beer can won’t do.

• Don’t lie to make yourself appear more impressive. If you are going to be dating someone who has read your profile, at some point they will get to know the real you. If they find that you lied in the first place, they will lose a lot of trust in you.
• Do make your personality come across as well as possible. If your sense of humor has been complimented by a lot of people, make a few self-deprecating jokes. Nothing that comes across as self-pity, and equally you should avoid coming across as arrogant. “I’m an international business tycoon – I’ve sold DVDs online to people in Japan and in Brazil” – something unfunny but cute like that works wonders.
• Don’t sound desperate or resentful if you haven’t had good luck before. A comment like “Are there any good men/women out there?” makes it sound like you are bitter. Even if your past hasn’t been glittering, good people exist. They won’t be attracted by self-pity, though.
• Do make yourself sound fun. This does not mean liberal use of exclamation marks and the word “crazy”, however you choose to spell it. Talk about things you enjoy and appear passionate. There are few things more attractive than someone who is enthusiastic and literate.

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