Competing with a Deceased Partner

With people living longer these days, chances are that members of the older population will find themselves dating widows or widowers at some point. This can be either a lovely and happy coupling or it can be a very sticky situation. It totally depends on whether or not the living partner has made peace with the passing of their partner and is ready to move on in life. Unfortunately, that’s not usually something you’ll find out until you actually go out with this person.  Even worse, it may not even become evident until you’ve enjoyed several dates that you’re competing with a deceased partner.

Basically, there’s usually not a way to successfully compete with a partner that has passed on. One of the main reasons for this is that once a loved one has died, he or she becomes a saint in the eyes of the partner that was left behind. Friends and family members are often stunned at the transformation of a deceased partner. This person could have been the meanest tempered, most abusive individual that ever walked the earth, but once they’re gone, their surviving partner remembers them as sweet tempered people that never did any wrong in their lives. If you’re dating someone that has selective memory, you’re in trouble right out of the gate. Nothing you do is ever going to measure up to the deceased saint.

Now, if you’re about to start dating a widow or widower, there are some clues that will help you early on before you waste too much time with this person.  The time that has passed since the partner died will mean a lot in whether the surviving partner is ready to start dating. For some people, six months is plenty of mourning time. For others, ten years may not be enough. So be sure to find out in some discreet way how long the deceased has been gone.

Something else that can be very telling is the interior of the widow or widower’s home.  If you walk in and find a very prominently placed shrine to the deceased partner, you’ll probably want to keep your contact to just the one date.  When there are still tons of pictures sitting around of the good old days, there’s a good chance that the living partner is still dwelling in the past.

If every other sentence from your date begins with “When my Harold was alive” or “Anna always did this or that,” you should probably be prepared for this to be a short term friendship.  This is not the attitude of someone who is ready to move forward in life. You’re not being uncaring or rude if you decide not to wait around, either. You’re simply being realistic.

On the other hand, if you hook up with someone that misses their deceased partner, but speaks in the present and the future of what they would like in their life, you just may have captured a jewel. It’s definitely worth a shot as both of you could have a great chance at a happy future together.