Is There Room in your Relationship for a Baby?

For centuries, it was customary for couples to marry and begin reproducing as soon as possible. In fact, many women were severely depressed if they were unable to conceive and men felt that they had been stuck with a “barren” woman, thereby rendering her defective in some way. Of course, it rarely occurred to most of these men that the fault may rest with THEM and not their wives. At any rate, that’s just how things were. My, how the times have changed.

These days, couples aren’t in quite as much of a hurry to start adding to their family as in days gone by. Most of the time, both partners usually have individual careers that they want to get off the ground.  Since the woman is the one that will need to give her up body and time to the pregnancy and birth, she usually is the one that will have more say so in when the actual reproduction process will begin.

Something else that has become a bit more common is couples that are so into each other that they may not have room in their relationship for a baby. This isn’t to say that they’re selfish or self-involved. It only means that they really love each other and have such a strong bond between them that it may be hard to fit in someone else into the relationship. These couples have planned their lives out for the most part. They like traveling together and they love participating in nightlife activities. Picking and going somewhere at the last minute is also something they love. The spontaneity and the freedom of being able to do things at the drop of a hat is something that doesn’t happen once you’ve become parents.

Admittedly, these freedom loving couples are looked upon as odd, but the truth is, these couples are the ones that know what they want in life and aren’t ashamed or afraid to admit it. Not all couples are meant to be parents. If you and your partner fall into this category, you should be proud and relieved to understand this about yourselves and the sort of lifestyle you want to lead. Couples that know what they want are the happiest in life.

If you and your partner have an active and spontaneous lifestyle that keeps you on the go and keeps you both happy, you may never want to include children of your own in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, either. In fact, when you want your kiddie “fix,” you can always offer to babysit for nieces, nephews and god children. That’s a situation that gives you and your partner some time to enjoy the company of children and gives their parents a much needed break.

If you and your partner have chosen not to become parents, you should be aware that there will always be someone that will be judgmental and be sure that something’s “wrong” with you. Try to be patient with those people because they will most always have closed minds.

Dealing with Overzealous Parents When Coming Out of the Closet

Families take the news that they have a gay or lesbian child in various ways. Some of them are horrified once their child comes out of the closet and drive this child away from home and their lives. Other families are quietly disappointed but supportive because they want their child to be happy.

Then there are the families that are not only supportive but do their very best to jump right into this new alternative lifestyle of their child. They host gatherings that allow them the chance to show just how “cool” and “open minded” they are about their child being gay. In fact, they do everything possible to help their child live a truly happy life as a lesbian or gay man.

One of the first things that these overzealous parents tend to do is try to set their child up with various other gay people in hopes of finding just the perfect partner. While this is a wonderful and very loving thought, it can become very tiring for the grown up child at the center of all of this attention. Something that these enthusiastic parents don’t seem to get is that people want to find their own partners in their own way.

Parents usually aren’t going to know exactly what type of person that their child is going to be most attracted to. Yet, that doesn’t seem to stop them. It’s like these parents are trying so very hard to show their support for their child that they’re trying TOO hard.

Now, once you’ve moved past the shock that your parents don’t hate you and aren’t horrified that you’re gay, your next issue becomes just what to do to slow them down a bit without hurting their feelings.

Obviously, you don’t want to appear ungrateful of their understanding, especially when you think about how many of your gay friends were tossed out on their ears when their families found out they were gay. Still, you need to be allowed to choose your own dates and see where they lead.

The first thing to try may be the only thing you need to do. Since your parents are trying to be so supportive of your lifestyle, all you may have to do is sit them down and talk to them. Tell them very honestly that you’re so appreciative of their love and support of your lifestyle. Be sure that you emphasize that fact. Then, as gently and lovingly as possible, explain to them that you prefer to meet your potential partners on your own.

It’s so very important that you make your explanations matter of fact and in a manner that lets your parents know just how much you love them for accepting you. Then, let them know that they can relax because you do know just how much they love you. They don’t have to keep trying to prove anything to you or to anyone else.

If you have this conversation in just the right way, your parents will most likely calm down and settle back into life as they know it. Then you can move along in your life, finding your own partner.

Sleeping Arrangements When Taking Your Boyfriend Home

When you meet a new guy and the two of you connect, it’s only a matter of time before you decide to take him home to meet your family. This can become a bit of a sticky situation if your parents are from the era where couples don’t sleep in the same bed unless they’re married and the two of you haven’t reached that particular stage in your relationship. While you may not want to be sleeping apart from your boyfriend, you’ll also want to be sure that your parents aren’t upset or outraged at you sleeping together in their home.

There are a few ways to get through this without upsetting anyone. The obvious solution is to stay in a local hotel and just spend the days and evenings with your parents. They may not approve of you sleeping together without benefit of marriage, but at least you won’t be doing it under their roof. That’s a very respectful way to handle the situation as long as you have enough money to afford a few nights in a hotel. In fact, it may even be the best idea so that you and your boyfriend aren’t under foot at your parents’ house the entire time you’re visiting them.

However, suppose your parents are the type that expects you to stay with them when you visit and they would be highly insulted if you and your boyfriend chose to stay in a hotel. Along with that, they also aren’t going to approve or allow you and your boyfriend to sleep together under their roof. Yes, there’s a lot to be said about everyone being adults, but your parents do rule the roost at their house. Of course, it’s not actually fair that you’re not only being forced to stay at your parents’ home or risk being disinherited, but on top of that, they’re refusing to let you sleep together at their house. This is a very difficult situation but if you want to keep the peace, you’ll just have to plan a shorter visit, like a weekend, and then just grin and bear it for two nights.

Then there are those parents that are more enlightened than others. These are the ones that will welcome you warmly into their home and will have only one guestroom made up for the two of you. If they know that you’re already sleeping together, they see no need to be hypocritical about things. Plus, this shows that they’re very respectful of your relationship. They take it seriously enough to treat you like the adults you are.

Whatever situation you have to deal with regarding your parents and introducing them to your boyfriend, it’s usually best to go with whatever will keep the peace. This is particularly true when there’s quite distance between where you and your boyfriend live and where your parents live. You most likely don’t see them all that often so it’s better to keep things as peaceful and happy as possible. Also, remember that if you have the enlightened parents, you’re very lucky!

Dealing with Interfering Parents

Parents are meant to look after you and keep you safe. Their job is also to make sure that you grow up to be smart enough to make good decisions for yourself and your life. If they do their job well, then they can safely release you into the world to live your life the way you see fit. This includes choosing the best partners. When your parents let you go, they should trust you to do what’s best for you. However, for many parents, that’s just impossible to do.

These are the parents that you’re literally terrified to take home your latest guy to meet. They tend to always do something that will either embarrass you to death or scare the guy off. Sometimes they manage to do both.

Your father may want to fire questions at your guy about his past, present and what he plans to do in the future. Worse yet, he may actually ask that horrible question of what this guy’s intentions are where you’re concerned. This is always the one that can make you want to crawl into the woodwork.

Your mother may decide that no one is good enough for you nor will there ever be anyone that is. This means that she’s most likely going to find many ways to keep you near her and away from men. Sadly, these are the mothers whose daughters don’t get a chance to live their own lives until the mothers have crossed over into the great beyond. These are unhealthy relationships and certainly don’t help the daughters to have the normal lives they’re meant to have.

Whether or not your parents act like this or worse, there are some ways that you can deal with the situation other than just living on the other side of the world from them and pretending that you’re not in a relationship of any kind. You need to prepare your guy for his first meeting with your parents. This may or may not be simple to do depending on his personality. If he’s understanding, you’ll be able to explain all about your parents to him and he’ll simply follow your lead. If he’s a bit of a wimp, he’ll probably run away as soon as you’ve explained what your parents are like. In that case, it is better that you know now.

Next, talk to your parents. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you won’t tolerate them treating your new guy any way that’s disrespectful. Give them a list of what they may and may not ask him. Warn them that if they do anything to deliberately embarrass you that it will be the last time they ever get to meet another one of your boyfriends. Then, remind them that they have raised you to have good judgment and that they need to trust that you’re using it when selecting the men you date.

When you’ve explained everything to them, that gives them the chance to do the right thing and make you proud by welcoming your new guy into their home. Otherwise, they’re showing you that you have no option but to keep them away from the men in your life.

Interracial Dating

As little as 40 years ago, interracial dating was illegal and viewed very negatively. Sadly, closed minded individuals made interracial dating and marriage very hard for those that fell in love with someone of another race.

Fortunately, interracial dating has progressed quite a bit since that horrible period. There are still groups of people that find biracial relationships distasteful but it really doesn’t make any difference in the long run. People can love and marry whomever they want even though there are still some issues to deal with.

One of the biggest obstacles that interracial couples must overcome is family disapproval. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to as people have become more accepting of interracial relationships. However, there’s still the chance that one or both families won’t approve of the relationship. This can be devastating to the couple when it happens as love is something that’s supposed to be wonderful and happy. Of course, they want their families to share in their excitement and happiness. Instead, they feel hurt and alone.

These family members can often be the couples’ grandparents or parents that disapprove because of the era they were raised in. Grandparents, especially, may have been brought up during the years when biracial couples were looked down on. If you’re in this sort of situation, try to remember that you have to live your life no matter what your family thinks.

Should their close mindedness make you too miserable, or if they decide that you must choose between the family and your love, you cannot feel bad if you decide to choose happiness with your partner over the selfishness of your family. They should be supporting you. If they aren’t, you can try family counseling if they’re willing but most people suffering from racism can’t be convinced that they’re wrong.

Something that many interracial couples do is actively seek out the company of other biracial couples or gay/lesbian couples. Many of these couples have also experienced rejection in some form or another and know exactly what you’re going through.  This can help you to relax and have fun while giving you a completely new group of friends to hang out with. This group will welcome you and be happy for you and your relationship.

In fact, if you need it, these new friends can be a huge source of support for you if you must deal with disapproval from your family members or society in general. The more you hang out with other interracial or gay/lesbian couples, the more comfortable you’ll feel in your own relationship and what others say or think just won’t be important to you any longer.

There are even online support groups for interracial couples. This is often a great way to meet other couples near you. Finding one of these support groups and hearing how others handle the different obstacles is a really good way to deal with any problems you might be facing.

If you haven’t done so already, be sure to check out some of the other interracial dating tips we have posted in the past on this blog.

While it can be hard to handle the views of ignorant people, you still have to remain strong and live your own life. Since interracial relationships can be difficult due to pressure from other people, there may be various issues to deal with. However, try to live your life and do what makes you happy. You’ll be able to move past any of these problems.

Guess Who MIGHT Be Coming to Dinner

In 1967, a very controversial movie called “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” was released to an unsuspecting public. This movie, starring Spencer Tracy, Katherine Hepburn and Sidney Poitier, was about a white couple with very rigid attitudes whose daughter brings home a black fiancé. It couldn’t have been a more challenging era to release a movie of this type with so many racial issues going on throughout the country. Yet, it was a very popular movie, even winning 2 Oscars and nominated for 8 more. The movie is credited by many for opening doors to people in interracial relationships.

The only problem is that bringing your interracial partner to dinner at the home of your racist parents is quite possibly the most terrible idea of them all. Consider this: You’ve told your family all about this incredible new love of yours. They know how wonderful this person is, how well you’re treated, how smart and funny your new love is. However, there’s one tiny little detail that you’ve left out. You’ve left out this piece of information because you know how your parents will react. That tiny detail is the fact that your partner is of a different race that you are.

Now take this scenario a bit further. When you arrive with your partner, you get a less than warm reception. This can range anywhere from a lukewarm hello to a screaming match that ends up with your partner being thrown out of the house. Can you truthfully think of a better way to RUIN a great dinner?

This is why you don’t ever need to make a family dinner the setting of the introduction of your interracial lover to your intolerant family. Who is going to enjoy the meal? Will anyone even EAT? Of course, you may want to have a few bottles of wine on hand so that people can relax, and maybe put out a few appetizers to help soak up that alcohol. However, a full-fledged meal is NOT the way to go.

Plan anything else that will not require you to try to eat. A stressful meeting such as this will go much better when there’s no food involved. If the initial meeting goes well, then a nice lunch or dinner the next day can work out great. It’s just much better if you don’t start out the first meeting with food that needs to be ingested. All that will happen is a lot of indigestion and, if things go really bad, a possible food fight can take place.

Those are just a few of the reasons that dinner is a bad idea when you’re bringing home your interracial partner for the first time. If you feel that there’s even the small chance that your family will violently and vocally object to your new relationship, plan something a little shorter and less nausea causing to make that first introduction. You’ll be very relieved that you chose to do things a bit differently than is traditional.

Dating Issues While Living With Your Parents

In this day and age of economic distress, it’s not surprising at all for adults to move back home with their parents. They can pay a certain amount of money to help with the rent or mortgage, utility bills and food. For the most part, this can be a pretty good arrangement, even if not an ideal one. Everyone can live comfortably and not be overly stressed about how the bills are going to be paid or if they’re going to be on the street in search of a refrigerator box and a quiet corner in an alley somewhere.

There are some dating issues that can come up from time to time, though, when you live with your parents. This usually comes into play when you meet someone that you want to take things to the next level with and don’t exactly have the privacy to do so. Not all families are like the television show with Frasier and his very understanding father. The privacy issues become even worse if you have a bedroom within the house.

If you must live with parents again, it’s better if you can have a separate entrance to your living space. Sometimes homes are large enough to include basement apartments or even guest houses on the property. In those cases, the issue of privacy really becomes a non-issue unless your parents tend to be the type to mind your business. Obviously, you don’t want them bursting in on you in bed with someone you’ve spent the night with.

Some parents are smart enough to realize that if you’re 25 years old, you’re an adult with the right to do your own thing. They treat you as an adult and respect your privacy. If these are your parents, you probably don’t have any dating issues. However, if your parents are those that feel they need to control your life no matter how old you are, there will be some serious problems, and you may want to find someone else to bunk with until you can get back on your feet again.

In the event that it’s not possible to resolve boundaries in your parents’ home, that leaves you with the option of going to your date’s home or even a hotel room. That doesn’t have to be as sleazy as it may sound, either. They can be totally romantic occasions, complete with room service and breakfast in bed. However, if you have over protective parents, you’re probably going to want to alert them that you won’t be home that night, or they’ll have the police out looking for you.

Before you ever move in with your parents, sit down and have a talk with them about what you expect regarding boundaries and privacy. Hopefully, you can all reach an agreement to treat each other with respect. During this talk, you’ll be able to tell if this is something that will work or not. If you get the “under my roof” speech, do your best to make other arrangements, or be prepared to give up dating until you’re financially independent again.